Froggy

Holy shit does it feel good to be healthy. Granted, I have a lot more work to do, but I feel better than I've felt in years. So far this year I've kicked cancer's ass, lost about 60 to 70 pounds and found a new doc to help get my meds under control. On top of that I'm quickly working my way off of my blood pressure and acid reflux pills.

The only area I can really improve on is getting out and doing more exercise/walking. However, now that Alexa is walking, it should get a lot easier. In fact, today we walked from the house down three houses on the sidewalk, then back to the house and then another 5 or 6 houses out and back. She didn't trip once. Her capabilities are, frankly astonishing.

Oh, also, if you had told me even 5 years ago I'd walk with my daughter down our street and explaining the mechanics of shadows and sticks falling off trees while having a huge grin on my face the entire time I would have told you that you were completely full of shit.

Reflecting on the past 18 months or so, I can only sit in dumbfounded silence trying to sort out all that has happened and how much things have changed. There have been a few life changing brights spots, namely the birth of Alexa. Her being is truly one of the most joyous and affirming aspects of my life. I never really understood before how much having a kid could make someone happy, but even the mere thought of seeing her smile makes me grin from ear to ear. Seeing her grow and learn so quickly only excites me more. It gives me the drive to get up day in and day out, which is good, because, honestly, there are few other reasons.

( Cut for the sake of your friends page )

I'm trying to be positive and optimistic about the future, and I do have things to be thankful for, such as my fantastic family. But it's tough. I cry. A lot. and have way too much time to sit and stew over things. It's hard not to feel like a burden. Jodie has been incredibly supportive, though, and I admire her strength and cherish the love she continues to show me.

I try to focus on the positive, I've been controlling my food and calorie intake, and have lost about 50 pounds thus far, so that's something. Notacon 9 looks like it will be another awesome success, although still financially challenging.

So or 2012, I hope things take a turn for the better and am trying to take a hand in making them happen. I am not one to ask for help and honestly don't even know how, but here are things that would make my life better:

- Continue to be the awesome friend you are
- Spread the word about Notacon, and encourage your friends to submit proposals and register
- If you need to buy nerdy stuff, see if I had it at the Nerd's Nook. Tell your friends
- If you know of a company that might be interested in sponsoring Notacon, please let me know so I can contact them.

Finally, if Jodie needs anything, please help her out. She supports me and has to deal with an awful lot. We're in this together and she has taken on an incredible burden and will have to do more once I'm incapacitated in a few weeks.

I hope your new year is healthy and happy, take care.

This is most excellent.  They are taking care of my hotel, and giving me a badge in exchange for working my little buns off.  On the upside, I get to actually see at least a large portion of a lot of talks.  Who knows, I might find a few that would be good for Notacon. ;) 

Since I used frequent flier miles for the plane ticket, all I'm out right now is food.  Considering that I really only eat about one meal a day, this shouldn't be a problem. 

Now I'll have to do some planning.  Find my camelbak, VX5, extra batteries, charger, etc and headset.  Packing into one small carryon and laptop bag is going to be a challenge, but I'm going to do my best to avoid the $25 bag fee.  Oh, most importantly, I have to make sure there are tons and tons of good pictures of Alexa on my phone.  Gotta show the babby off.  Plus I can then see her smiling face when I'm there.

I should note that tygerdsebat is letting me do this out of the goodness of her heart.  So if you manage to talk to her, tell her how awesome she is.  I have to admit I'm going to miss my family, but I am really looking forward to this.  On top of the job interview next week, Notacon 9 now in full swing, etc. maybe this is the turning point for this chapter of my life.

Pondering trying to make it out to Defcon.  It would be awesome if I could find crash space on the cheap.  I don't expect that's going to happen, of course.

I miss actually *attending* cons and remembering why I got into this shit in the first place instead of either selling stuff or otherwise being responsible for something.

Anyone?

Not that anyone asked or really cares, but I absolutely adore my daughter.  Best.  Anti-depressant.  Ever.

Almost 4 years to the day that my good friend, Duncan Lowne, passed away.  I sit here in the darkness of the basement at 2:30 AM in the morning, listening to songs we probably enjoyed together somewhere at a club, party or other shindig.  I can't stop thinking of how much he still inspires me and how I have yet to accomplish nearly as much as he had in his short life.  I rarely get really emotional over loss, mostly because I can accept that there are better things than this world and that, overall, I can't control it and thus must accept it.  However, in Duncan's case, I never liked it.  I doubt I ever will.  I feel I never should.

You may be gone, good friend, but fuck, it still hurts like hell.  Your time was far too short.  Far, far too short.

Time to head to bed and let the tears flow and ultimately dry. 

Been awhile, figured I'd post. Bulleted lists are my thing, so here we go.

• Alexa is amazing.  I eagerly look forward to seeing what she will become.  Her smiles and giggles are definitely infectious.
• That said, overall fatherhood is underwhelming.  I think I suck at it, but at this point I don't have much of a choice.
• Having no job has been harder on me than I had anticipated.  Not feeling like I'm contributing is taking a huge toll on my mind.
  
  • Notacon losing ~$10,000 didn't help with that.  Overall it went well, I guess
  • Nerd's Nook is off the ground, and so far things are slooooow.  I want progress.  I demand progress.  I can't make people buy stuff, though.  This is sucking up a shit ton of my time as I work on the site, work on the product listings, acquire product, test products, photograph products, organize products etc.  On the rare occasion I have the pleasure of actually SHIPPING products.  More of this would be nice.
• Having Page and Jeff living here is a new experience requiring new skills as well as flexing old ones.
• I am convinced I pretty much suck as a boyfriend.  Just not enough time or emotional energy for much of anything.
• I am convinced I could be doing a whole lot better as a husband.  Jodie is doing a fantastic job with Alexa, being way more than I ever thought she could be.  It makes all of my efforts look feeble in comparison.
• The house is a disaster and this taking a toll on me.  Increased inventory for Nerd's Nook stuff is a huge part of this.  Having ~ 30 to 40 totes of product around the house, as well as shipping supplies, etc. doesn't make it easy to clean up very well.
• I am trying to get back on the CPAP wagon with nasal pillows instead of the full face mask.  I usually last a couple of hours before half-sleepily ripping it off.
• My sleep schedule isn't much of a schedule, putting me at odds with life around me.  I wish I just didn't need to sleep so I could get more things done.  Unfortunately it seems I need 10 to 12 hours of sleep a day just go feel human.
• My only real success of late was finally getting our home file server back online and in some semblance of order.  We now have a 9TB RAID 6 array as well as a 3 TB RAID 1.  Hopefully this should increase some of our available storage and data security.  No more double drive RAID 5 failures to dampen my day :(

So, in closing and in short, life kinda (but not totally) sucks.

EDIT: It turns out that being let go from Case the way I was has been having a much, much bigger impact on me emotionally and mentally than I initially thought it would.  Hoping to talk to someone about it in the very near future.

Words I honestly never thought I'd hear, but managed to hear today. Albeit not so direct.

After having given half my life, and arguably some of my best years to CWRU, I was told this afternoon that my services were no longer required, that my position had been eliminated and that I was terminated effective immediately. No time to even go back and clear out of my office, or my food out of the fridge. I have to come back "after hours" to do that, apparently.

Even now, though, all I can think about are all of the things left undone, the loose ends that needed to be tied up, etc. My guess is in that short term they'll be pretty fucked, not because of anything I've done, but because of the work I'm no longer allowed to do.

Going on a job hunt right now is the one thing I really really didn't want to have to do. While I had issues with the job, I had been coming to terms of late with how good a job it really was for me and how I could enjoy it and stick things out, especially considering our child that is on it's way.

I suppose all of that is moot, now. I get paid through the middle of October, so at least I have 2 paychecks on the way. I may have some severance after that, we'll see.

Just... not good timing. yes, I'm pissed. Yes, I think I got kind of a raw deal. But being who I am, I have to turn this turd salad into something wonderful and into a great a great opportunity.

But fucked if I actually WANTED to do that right now.

The one thing I can be thankful, for, though, are great friends, great parents and at least some sort of support structure. I'm not going to go crazy over this. I'm not going to get too depressed. I just have to deal with it and move on.

Who knows, the way things go at Case, there will probably be a great upheaval at Case and they might ask me to come back in 6 months :P Who knows? I'm sure as fuck not going to bank on that, though.

While I'm usually not one for sympathy, I'll take it today. Your thoughts, prayers, good energy or whatever you subscribe to is appreciated from the very bottom of my heart. Job offers and pointers appreciated as well.

So, yeah, going to a concert tonight. First time in a long time. Going to see MC Frontlot and Dual Core here in Cleveland. Should be a good show, and it starts at 8 (I hope) which means I can hopefully also get some sleep tonight.

Going to Traverse City this weekend for TC Frag Fest. I still have to prepare tons of stuff for it tonight. Hopefully I'll have some time tomorrow to pack and what-not.

Finally, I've been spending far too much time on 4chan. I think it's starting to infect me and is changing me from the inside. Of course, any time spend on 4chan is too much time, isn't it?

That's all for now.

I stated the following on Facebook:

"There are a certain few people you meet in life that you know are true friends and really, honestly, get you. I appreciate you beyond all imagination. You know who you are."

It is so comforting to know that no matter what I have people I can turn to for the little boost I need when I'm feeling down and out on myself or otherwise feel worthless. I need to remember this more often during the times in which I have a lot of self-doubt and self-worth issues.

I admittedly have many acquaintances but few real friends, probably by choice more than anything else. Regardless, the support system I've built for myself through the care and compassion of so many is something I too often take for granted.

I try not to fawn over those few people I truly adore for fear of pushing them away, I do tend to get rather annoying like that I suppose, at times. But for those that understand that about me and deal with it anyway, I am incredibly appreciative.

So, if you think you're one of those people, know that I love you. I care about you. I need and am glad you are in my life. I only hope I can repay in return all that I have been given.